> A diagnosis of
ADHD or autism in adulthood often leads to incredible relief and
grief in processing all the moments of being blamed and shamed for
what was assumed to be a lack of effort, laziness and/or defiance.
This is definitely a factor for me when I tried to get diagnosed (which failed lol), because my parents whom caused my trauma would obviously refuse to blame themselves for my emotionally stunted development
I simply wrote to the psychiatrist a note that whatever my parents say, they'll make themselves look good, and therefore will paint a rosy childhood for me. I guess it also helped that my then partner was there and told her of how my parents told a "funny story" that made his parents gasp in horror.
It was the story of how my brother was asked at school to draw a picture of his last birthday when he was about 5ish and drew stick figures carrying building material because we were building something in the yard and my parents forgot his birthday.
Good grief. I read your comment and … the levels of parental neglect wrapped up in your single story are overwhelming me.
I’m sure you don’t need validation from random internet strangers, but as one with a similar enough childhood, I wanted to share that it’s a thoroughly shit club to be in.
Just an anecdote, but my mother forgot my 11th (I think) birthday, I’m 44 now and I think in just the last year or two she mentioned again she still feels guilty about it.
In her defense, I had my birthday party just a few days before and it was an unusual year in that school had started by (maybe even on) my birthday.
I remember feeling a bit disappointed on the day, but certainly not distraught or traumatised. I also never found myself randomly thinking about the incident after except for when my mom mentions it or from stories like this.
My point is that it depends on the person on how big a deal it was. Also, perhaps the parents do feel guilty about it, hence sometimes sharing it as a “funny story”, but I wouldn’t know.
My own 6 year old child seems to be neurodivergent (I suspect I am too) and is struggling a bit with pre-school, even now at a bridging school.
We first had to confront it about 2 years ago when the highly regarded mainstream school she was at said she would have to repeat the year.
At least for me as a parent, the possibility that my child won’t grow up to be a self sufficient is terrifying, so it was quite a bit to come to terms with.
Fortunately we weren't in denial and she’s getting exceptional assistance, but some parents definitely find themselves in denial when confronted with this situation.
It does depend a lot on the person, but it also depends on the parents. If they acknowledge it and attempt to make it right, that's one thing. However, if they just brush over it and don't acknowledge the child's loss, then it's a totally different case.
Honestly - and I hope this didn’t happen to you - it takes a surprising level of indifference for kids to pick up a “this is wrong” signal.
I’m not going to speak for anyone else, but if I forget a thing and “fixing” it is as simple as saying sorry and doing it the next day, I’ll do it. And I will keep doing it on a loop if need be _because I care_.
And that’s often the easy sign for this stuff. Did your parents forget and _not even try_ to show that they care?
It’s the sheer indifferent callousness that stands out starkest to me. It doesn’t take much, I’ve found, for people to state outright “you’re wrong to expect me to care about you.”
Oh hey! I’m the same age as you, and while my kids are a bit older, they’re neurodivergent too. You didn’t ask for advice, and I won’t
I will say that my eldest, and otherwise wonderful and engaging daughter is having a hell of a time at her school right now, and schools and SEN provision and, honestly, competence, are highly variable, and I’ve been surprised at how large the differences can be.
I could absolutely forget my kid's birthdays. Even though I love them dearly. It's just a round around the sun and culturally made important. Idk what else was going on but building something in the yard together with your parent sounds like fun to me.
Or, this was sarcasm?
Anyway I don't like birthdays myself. I don't like getting presents, I don't like giving them. If you want something just buy it. Why this weird ritual??
Never forget to see the world from the viewpoint of your children, too. Birthdays are very important to them, because they grow up in a culture, and neither they nor you can avoid that. By being dismissive about what is important to them, you confuse and alienate them. My parents were very dismissive about school, and that made my whole school time a bad experience for me.
Well luckily my wife is always on the ball. But I tell them I love them almost everyday. I really hope they will forgive me my chaotic mind. If a child has to get all their sense of value from a single day a year something's very wrong. I get all your points, it's important but not that important.
If one of your kids said, hey, it’s ok, I love you and your chaotic mind, can you please buy me a card if or when you remember - and it pops into your mind after 10 or 20 or 100 days, or even 5 years later - would you buy them a card or not?
It's a once a year reminder that people are happy that you exist.
Sometimes children can feel like maybe their existence makes their parents lives worse, so it is important for them to be reassured that that is not the case (even if it is).
It's also just a fun thing to do. For some kids it's one of the few times per year they're allowed to go wild with sweets, so it's something they look forward to.
> If you want something just buy it.
Kids also often do not yet manage their own finances, so they don't have the freedom to just buy the things they want.
> If you want something just buy it. Why this weird ritual??
Or make it, as was my case growing up, when my parents couldn't afford what I wanted anyway.
Money isn't an issue now, so gifts are definitely annoying. I'm not going to wait a month to maybe get the correct drill bit/appliance/etc. I'll just get the correct one now, and play a game or go into town with me on/near-ish my birthday
For what it’s worth, once I figured out I could say something like “I’m going to buy this, would you like to call it my birthday present?” At pretty much well any point in the year, I found that the people around me really appreciated the chance to show care AND see me using something I like which they got for me.
Because we have never forgotten our kid's birthdays, but I have forgotten my own (ok I was older), and Inhave forgotten wedding anniversaries. I depend heavily on my phone for remembering these days. And, I'll be honest I am very curious about the responses I'd get, I do genuinely think the importance put on this one day is weird and was/am hoping someone would articulate in a rational way why we do. Sorry, I know it comes across as being a dick. But sometimes that's what internet identities can be for, right?
I think it just irks me that everybody thinks it's so bad this boy's birthday was forgotten, while not knowing anything about it. I have friends that take their kids to out-of-school care at 7:00, pick them up again 18:00 all week, so they can put them to bed and that's it. But hey, they have a nice birthday right? Lot of presents! We have always made it a point to have someone at home (early on it was also the grand parents), someone to pick them up from school, no day-care, we have a drink with them ask them about their day, help them go to friends etc. But heavens forbid if I'd forget a birthday (which honestly could happen without my partner here, although with smartphones nowadays it'd indeed be a big oversight.)
Thanks for taking me in the spirit I intended; I wrote more aggressively than I’d intended, on reflection.
You’re not a dick and you weren’t being a dick, I totally agree about writing on the internet - it’s tricky to feel and to tell, and I imagine I must be insufferable at times.
I can see your point now and I think we might agree on more than either of us first thought. I can see how much you care for your family in every word you’ve written, and I’d be a bit surprised if one of your kids was at home, told you it’s their birthday, and your reaction would be to laugh about it, and then carry on with your day as normal with no further reaction or acknowledgement of it.
So - Ii’s not about remembering, or about the card or presents or cake: it’s what you do with the information in front of you. From the sounds of it you’re demonstrating your care brilliantly every day.
(I have the same type of brain wiring you’ve described, incidentally. My extremely accepting wife would ask me to buy her some flowers, nothing showy, just something to brighten up the house and remind her of me. And I’d hear that as “she wants me to remember to buy her flowers sometime” and file it away. And several years later we figured out that gap in our communications and nowadays, when it’s important enough to her that she asks me to buy her flowers - I buy the flowers. Turns out that that was all it took to demonstrate that I care.)
I thought it was a funny story. Only forgetting a birthday once seems like a success to me. We forgot Christmas and other holidays multiple times growing up. Just celebrate the next day/weekend. Besides, doing fun things with family is way better when it's not peak crowd season, which is always the case during holidays, or birthdays that land on weekends/early summer. I've even forgotten my own birthday countless times, starting way before I was an adult.
My wife and I have forgotten our own anniversaries and other events, so now we have reminders in our shared calendar so we don't forget to celebrate, mostly because it's embarassing to tell family that we both mutually forgot about our anniversary than that it actually bothers us. We have date night weekly anyway (and family night weekly)
Sadly it wasn't one birthday. Mine was near Christmas, so everybody remembered it (although I also hated it, because it was a dog and pony show to make everybody see what great parents they were), while my brother's was somewhere around April and thus was almost always forgotten.
I think it’s the fact they think it’s funny is the real problem. Some people make mistakes, my wife and I don’t care about anniversary dates. But if some one is hurt, brushing it off and disregarding their feelings and your role in causing the hurt is abusive because it undermines the persons safety and connection with the world and other people.
E-Reverance · · focus · HN ↗
This is definitely a factor for me when I tried to get diagnosed (which failed lol), because my parents whom caused my trauma would obviously refuse to blame themselves for my emotionally stunted development
exe34 · · focus · HN ↗
digitaltrees · · focus · HN ↗
exe34 · · focus · HN ↗
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
I’m sure you don’t need validation from random internet strangers, but as one with a similar enough childhood, I wanted to share that it’s a thoroughly shit club to be in.
jonathanlydall · · focus · HN ↗
In her defense, I had my birthday party just a few days before and it was an unusual year in that school had started by (maybe even on) my birthday.
I remember feeling a bit disappointed on the day, but certainly not distraught or traumatised. I also never found myself randomly thinking about the incident after except for when my mom mentions it or from stories like this.
My point is that it depends on the person on how big a deal it was. Also, perhaps the parents do feel guilty about it, hence sometimes sharing it as a “funny story”, but I wouldn’t know.
My own 6 year old child seems to be neurodivergent (I suspect I am too) and is struggling a bit with pre-school, even now at a bridging school.
We first had to confront it about 2 years ago when the highly regarded mainstream school she was at said she would have to repeat the year.
At least for me as a parent, the possibility that my child won’t grow up to be a self sufficient is terrifying, so it was quite a bit to come to terms with.
Fortunately we weren't in denial and she’s getting exceptional assistance, but some parents definitely find themselves in denial when confronted with this situation.
thrixton · · focus · HN ↗
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
I’m not going to speak for anyone else, but if I forget a thing and “fixing” it is as simple as saying sorry and doing it the next day, I’ll do it. And I will keep doing it on a loop if need be _because I care_.
And that’s often the easy sign for this stuff. Did your parents forget and _not even try_ to show that they care?
It’s the sheer indifferent callousness that stands out starkest to me. It doesn’t take much, I’ve found, for people to state outright “you’re wrong to expect me to care about you.”
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
I will say that my eldest, and otherwise wonderful and engaging daughter is having a hell of a time at her school right now, and schools and SEN provision and, honestly, competence, are highly variable, and I’ve been surprised at how large the differences can be.
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
teekert · · focus · HN ↗
Or, this was sarcasm?
Anyway I don't like birthdays myself. I don't like getting presents, I don't like giving them. If you want something just buy it. Why this weird ritual??
wsng · · focus · HN ↗
teekert · · focus · HN ↗
idiotsecant · · focus · HN ↗
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
novia · · focus · HN ↗
It's a once a year reminder that people are happy that you exist.
Sometimes children can feel like maybe their existence makes their parents lives worse, so it is important for them to be reassured that that is not the case (even if it is).
It's also just a fun thing to do. For some kids it's one of the few times per year they're allowed to go wild with sweets, so it's something they look forward to.
> If you want something just buy it.
Kids also often do not yet manage their own finances, so they don't have the freedom to just buy the things they want.
eks391 · · focus · HN ↗
Or make it, as was my case growing up, when my parents couldn't afford what I wanted anyway.
Money isn't an issue now, so gifts are definitely annoying. I'm not going to wait a month to maybe get the correct drill bit/appliance/etc. I'll just get the correct one now, and play a game or go into town with me on/near-ish my birthday
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
teekert · · focus · HN ↗
I think it just irks me that everybody thinks it's so bad this boy's birthday was forgotten, while not knowing anything about it. I have friends that take their kids to out-of-school care at 7:00, pick them up again 18:00 all week, so they can put them to bed and that's it. But hey, they have a nice birthday right? Lot of presents! We have always made it a point to have someone at home (early on it was also the grand parents), someone to pick them up from school, no day-care, we have a drink with them ask them about their day, help them go to friends etc. But heavens forbid if I'd forget a birthday (which honestly could happen without my partner here, although with smartphones nowadays it'd indeed be a big oversight.)
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
You’re not a dick and you weren’t being a dick, I totally agree about writing on the internet - it’s tricky to feel and to tell, and I imagine I must be insufferable at times.
I can see your point now and I think we might agree on more than either of us first thought. I can see how much you care for your family in every word you’ve written, and I’d be a bit surprised if one of your kids was at home, told you it’s their birthday, and your reaction would be to laugh about it, and then carry on with your day as normal with no further reaction or acknowledgement of it.
So - Ii’s not about remembering, or about the card or presents or cake: it’s what you do with the information in front of you. From the sounds of it you’re demonstrating your care brilliantly every day.
(I have the same type of brain wiring you’ve described, incidentally. My extremely accepting wife would ask me to buy her some flowers, nothing showy, just something to brighten up the house and remind her of me. And I’d hear that as “she wants me to remember to buy her flowers sometime” and file it away. And several years later we figured out that gap in our communications and nowadays, when it’s important enough to her that she asks me to buy her flowers - I buy the flowers. Turns out that that was all it took to demonstrate that I care.)
eks391 · · focus · HN ↗
My wife and I have forgotten our own anniversaries and other events, so now we have reminders in our shared calendar so we don't forget to celebrate, mostly because it's embarassing to tell family that we both mutually forgot about our anniversary than that it actually bothers us. We have date night weekly anyway (and family night weekly)
exe34 · · focus · HN ↗
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
That is, they chose to make a bigger deal over celebrating the dead, than they did their living child.
mootothemax · · focus · HN ↗
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digitaltrees · · focus · HN ↗