Thread

1. accountrequired · 1790825661 · focus · HN ↗

   There is an argument that people should marry when they are (*both*) younger. More time to be fruitful and multiply. More time together, instead of encouraging high "body counts" and high-risk behavior. Delaying marriage is not as altruistic as it sounds.

   1. para_parolu · 1790825924 · focus · HN ↗

      It also results in people who get to raise kids while having zero adult life experience.

      1. qwertytyyuu · 1790826101 · focus · HN ↗

         I mean, if people are supposedly "getting high body counts" without, would it really make a difference how often that occurs?
      2. Aeolun · 1790826897 · focus · HN ↗

         Call me misguided, but I’m not sure adult life experience helps a lot with raising kids. It just means you grow out of touch.

         1. vigilantpuma · 1790827385 · focus · HN ↗

            It does help. Older parents tend to have better mechanisms for coping with stress, and are less likely to physically abuse their kids, as just two examples.

            You’re gonna be out of touch with your kids’ generation basically no matter what.

         2. stnikolauswagne · 1790827688 · focus · HN ↗

            33 year old with a kid due in a few months time:

            I would not want 23 year old me raising a child, I was way too status and money obsessed then and could not provide my son with the model of what I personally deem a good man.

            My wife had (too) young parents and it left lasting damage, they dragged her into interpersonal spats and their worries about money before she had the tools to properly process it.

            1. Aeolun · 1790828651 · focus · HN ↗

               The question is if that has gotten better over time? Because age doesn’t really change all that much in my experience.

               1. stnikolauswagne · 1790829177 · focus · HN ↗

                  At least for me it did, 10 years ago I was in the first year of my career so all I wanted was to climb, with no regard of what bridges need burning to make that happen. I'm now at a stage where I have is less to prove so those toxic traits have faded.

                  My Wifes parents on the other hand might not have grown up but on the other hand they would have divorced way sooner without a child forcing them to stay together

                  1. em-bee · 1790829779 · focus · HN ↗

                     but then it's not the age that made the difference, but the focus in your life. you had other interests, and that also told you that it's not the right time for you to have children. not everyone has the same focus at 23. i wasn't interested in getting married at 23 either. but other people are. did your wife's parents want to have children that early, or was that unplanned? you don't need to answer, but i think that question makes a difference. i don't believe people chose to have children if they don't feel ready for it.

                     1. stnikolauswagne · 1790830563 · focus · HN ↗

                        In my mind age and this shift in focus are at least somewhat linked. 23 year old me would be pissed at 30 year old me for not moving to a FAANG company and instead focus on marriage, those 7 years did teach me a lot of important things about myself and the world.

                        My Wife comes from a country where getting married and having kids before the age of 20 was very much the norm at the time, which led to a lot of people having children at a time where they were not ready for that responsibility.

                        1. em-bee · 1790830752 · focus · HN ↗

                           would you mind sharing the country/culture? as i said elsewhere, in china people also marry and have children young, and they are ready. but they also have a lot of support from their parents and society. young couples normally live with their parents who help them raise the children and run the household, allowing the young couple to learn but also focus on work and career.

                           1. stnikolauswagne · 1790831302 · focus · HN ↗

                              This would be Romania, specifically shortly before and during the fall of communism, there were all kinds of weird incentives in place to encourage the birth rate, for example military engineers (like my FIL) where able to get out of deployment to rural infrastructure projects if they had a (pregnant) wife or a newborn. So a good chunk of his unit had children in a span of give or take 4 months, which coincidentally was about a year after an upcoming deployment to build a dam in a godforsaken area of the country was announced.
               2. unsnap_biceps · 1790830080 · focus · HN ↗

                  30 year old me looks back at 20 year old me and wishes he had known better. 40 year old me looks back at 30 year old me and wishes he had known better. 50 year old me looks back at 40 year old me and wishes he had known better. 60 year old me looks back at 50 year old me and wishes he had known better.

                  I believe generally most people do grow and mature over time. Sometimes it's not that obvious externally or even internally without reflection, but it's a natural part of aging IMHO.

      3. john_strinlai · 1790827431 · focus · HN ↗

         i think its the sex part that results in kids, not the marriage part.
   2. wallst07 · 1790848932 · focus · HN ↗

      In tight/smaller communities having kids younger has one massive advantage: your parents/grandparents are actually young and energetic enough to help raise them.

      Having active grandparents around to pass down wisdom and share the load beats waiting until your late 30s or 40s just so you can afford to hand your kids off to expensive daycare.

      Losing that family safety net is a one reason people are having fewer kids now, and I really doubt it’s making society any happier.

      1. em-bee · 1790872287 · focus · HN ↗

         exactly this. in china this is still working for example.

         1. vigilantpuma · 1790873367 · focus · HN ↗

            Working how? China has a pretty low TFR.

            1. em-bee · 1790885113 · focus · HN ↗

               china's TFR comes from the one-child policy. now abolished, the effects still linger. and it also comes from many people not getting married at all mostly because of financial concerns, or maybe women not interested in having a family at all.

               what works is that when people get married, many marry young and when they have children the grandparents are around and help as described. i haven't seen anyone with children where the grandparents were not around to help.

   3. bryanlarsen · 1790867790 · focus · HN ↗

      The divorce rate in those who married young is double the divorce rate for those who married after 30.

Unofficial Hacker News client; not affiliated with Y Combinator.