>Many of the workshops focused on outward signs of confidence like posture and clothes but left alone a history of deeper maladjustment. You can remove a guy’s fedora in an afternoon, but the rest takes years.
aye, and if this isn't the core issue for pretty much everyone who feels out-of-place, unloved, and had issues dating
I think there was a small chance in my past that I might've tumbled down the angry atheist / LessWrong pipeline. I actually knew a guy who did. I have to thank an English teacher who had us read Slaughterhouse-Five for steering me clear and leading me to secular humanism. that moral philosophy meant anyone as low and terrible as me (at least as low and terrible as I thought I was) still deserved to be treated with compassion and it made me feel loved for the first time in my life
I'm one of those people who benefited immensely from therapy (CBT at the time though I'd probably try ACT now). the me before therapy had the emotional maturity of a teenage boy, who thought you could and should rationalize away feelings, that they were fundamentally illogical. I'm decades beyond that now, in the best relationship of my life, equal partners with someone I deeply respect and love, and who everything feels natural with even after ten years. the key to all of this has been the fact that we validate one another, that we give each other the grace we would want for ourself. it's a real change and a watershed thing for me - realizing that you don't have to internalize your experience of having your feelings invalidated
that sad version of myself, who thought you could somehow extrinsically 'solve' despair and loneliness through some kind of scripted performance, that's the multi-verse version of myself that needs someone to tell him that he can be loved, that he doesn't deserve to suffer. here's to hoping these attendees are able to grow out of that same phase I had once been in one day - it's sure to do the world a lot of good if they did
I like your analysis, despite not strongly identifying with your struggle.
I came away from reading this article with the feeling that so much of the underlying strife is due to a bit too much "west coast". And to be clear, I found that west coast mindset very refreshing when I was younger (along with "rationality", lesswrong, etc). They all expanded my mind and let me see more of the map. But this event as described feels like hollow left brain self centeredness run amok -on the part of both the author and her subjects (like do you notice how I am saying subjects here and not fellow partygoers?). And this is most certainly not a substitute for actually throwing yourself into it and living.
the only thing I would disagree with is the regionality. in my younger days, I bounced around quite a few predominantly white and hetero-ish polyamorous/relationship-anarchy spaces. people who were anything from tenure-track professors to trust-fund kids to middle-class suburban types and I've never lived west of the Mississippi
I would say the only thing that was a commonality were the internet spaces they inhabited - FetLife predominantly with AO3, tumblr, nerdy conventions as secondary (with a few of those wealthier/higher-educated types drawing from things like German bondage scenes instead of online). whether or not the cultures of those online spaces originated in the West Coast, I don't know
paimapi · · focus · HN ↗
aye, and if this isn't the core issue for pretty much everyone who feels out-of-place, unloved, and had issues dating
I think there was a small chance in my past that I might've tumbled down the angry atheist / LessWrong pipeline. I actually knew a guy who did. I have to thank an English teacher who had us read Slaughterhouse-Five for steering me clear and leading me to secular humanism. that moral philosophy meant anyone as low and terrible as me (at least as low and terrible as I thought I was) still deserved to be treated with compassion and it made me feel loved for the first time in my life
I'm one of those people who benefited immensely from therapy (CBT at the time though I'd probably try ACT now). the me before therapy had the emotional maturity of a teenage boy, who thought you could and should rationalize away feelings, that they were fundamentally illogical. I'm decades beyond that now, in the best relationship of my life, equal partners with someone I deeply respect and love, and who everything feels natural with even after ten years. the key to all of this has been the fact that we validate one another, that we give each other the grace we would want for ourself. it's a real change and a watershed thing for me - realizing that you don't have to internalize your experience of having your feelings invalidated
that sad version of myself, who thought you could somehow extrinsically 'solve' despair and loneliness through some kind of scripted performance, that's the multi-verse version of myself that needs someone to tell him that he can be loved, that he doesn't deserve to suffer. here's to hoping these attendees are able to grow out of that same phase I had once been in one day - it's sure to do the world a lot of good if they did
mindslight · · focus · HN ↗
I came away from reading this article with the feeling that so much of the underlying strife is due to a bit too much "west coast". And to be clear, I found that west coast mindset very refreshing when I was younger (along with "rationality", lesswrong, etc). They all expanded my mind and let me see more of the map. But this event as described feels like hollow left brain self centeredness run amok -on the part of both the author and her subjects (like do you notice how I am saying subjects here and not fellow partygoers?). And this is most certainly not a substitute for actually throwing yourself into it and living.
paimapi · · focus · HN ↗
I would say the only thing that was a commonality were the internet spaces they inhabited - FetLife predominantly with AO3, tumblr, nerdy conventions as secondary (with a few of those wealthier/higher-educated types drawing from things like German bondage scenes instead of online). whether or not the cultures of those online spaces originated in the West Coast, I don't know