Thread

1. purplepatrick · 1790817358 · focus · HN ↗

   Cute. Of course, beyond basic deal breakers, neither do people know their preferences (but they think they do), nor do the majority of preference categories actually matter.

   This is a common problem with all dating apps. Specifically, interests, hobbies, daily routines, objectives, etc. have nothing to do with compatibility.

   “We like the same things!” is the compatibility signal of a naive 22-yr old…

   1. Gigachad · 1790819807 · focus · HN ↗

      IMO the largest problem is that there is an enormous amount of friction to go from getting a match on an app to actually meeting them in real life. Which means it just doesn't happen that often. What we need is physical spaces where people can meet in person for a low or zero cost. That eliminates the friction of actually seeing someone because they are already there in front of you.

      1. alexey-salmin · 1790831357 · focus · HN ↗

         This used to be the workplace: observing a big group of people over long periods of time when they don't pretend to charm you. Are they kind? How do they treat others? Are they secure? Are they ambitious? Are they hardworking? What do they talk about on the lunch break?

         Meeting people from dating apps is quite literally the opposite of that: one person at a time, extremely short period of time, they can pretend, no or little interactions with third parties (how they treat a waiter maybe).

         I honestly believe that making workplace dating something frowned upon (or even a terminable offence sometimes) was a huge disservice to society. People spends most of their adult life going to work but are supposed to squeeze the search for a partner into the little time and energy that remains outside of work.

         1. Turskarama · 1790834652 · focus · HN ↗

            Clubs are still imo one of the best ways to meet people for all the reasons you give. You have at least one thing in common which is a conversation starter and there's opportunity to meet more people. Also the average person could stand to socialise with strangers more in person.

            1. dansquizsoft · 1790835191 · focus · HN ↗

               How do you speak over the loud music though?

               1. ninalanyon · 1790836667 · focus · HN ↗

                  LOL.

                  Just in case you were serious I think they meant clubs like a sewing circle, crown green bowling, tennis, the local brass band, civic action groups, etc. In other words associations of one kind or another, in tech. terms special interest groups.

                  1. exe34 · 1790840231 · focus · HN ↗

                     Just be attractive though. Otherwise it's "eww women go to clubs to enjoy their hobbies, not to be approached by creepy men"

                     (I'm gay, but I listen to and observe a lot of straight people in their natural habitats).

                     1. whstl · 1790845759 · focus · HN ↗

                        Haha, yes. I just keep watching those discussions online it's really predictable how it would go.

                        The advice for some time was almost universally that one should "volunteer", join "hobby clubs", or even go do "women-centric activities" or even "women-centric events" and "feminist groups" to meet people. Often women would recommend that.

                        Well, naturally the people doing those activities wouldn't enjoy being approached, and you'd have this parallel online universe where women complain about people approaching them in hobby groups.

                        1. watwut · 1790850956 · focus · HN ↗

                           The actual advice was to widen your social circle and become more well rounded individual. It is not surprising that a heterosexual guy who socializes exclusively in male only group will be able to pair with males only.

                           That creates a situation in which you can create coupling like normal people do. Which incidentally did not used to be "hit at random girl you just encountered".

                           1. exe34 · 1790870609 · focus · HN ↗

                              > not used to be "hit at random girl you just encountered".

                              Heard that one too, and the corresponding "eww he only pretended to be my friend because he wanted to make a pass at me".

                              1. watwut · 1790951592 · focus · HN ↗

                                 Yes, it is also possible to pretended to be friend in order to make a pass. Which is not the same thing as being a friend who has romantic interest. The trick for you here is that you need to image women/girls as full people and normal relationship with them.

                                 That girl is looking for genuine authentic connection, you are looking for sexual access. And in that case, part of your evaluation should involve searching for women who want those physical only relationships.

                                 But again, the thread was about forming long term relationships, this is different matter.

                                 1. exe34 · 1790970996 · focus · HN ↗

                                    As i said, I really don't care, this doesn't apply to me. I'm gay.

                                    1. whstl · 1791128026 · focus · HN ↗

                                       It's amazing how people in this website can go "it's all very easy you just misunderstood the point" and mansplain every single topic that appears in here, when they themselves can't even understand or follow a simple discussion.

                                       I blame Youtube and coaching culture. Everyone thinks they're an expert now and must spread their genius.

                        2. mrguyorama · 1790888442 · focus · HN ↗

                           The problem is people taking "Join a club" as meaning "The club is a source of women and nothing else"

                           Very dumb boys then go to the club meeting, immediately try to pick up women, and it doesn't work because that was not the recommendation.

                           You are supposed to get engaged with a club you care about, participate genuinely, meet new people and make new friendships, and like all of human history, that is very likely to randomly result in you finding someone you hit it off with.

                           Boys still tend to think they are trying to shotgun pickup lines as a good method.

                           Basically, the underlying problem is roughly the same in all those situations: You have to understand, respect, and treat the women in those groups the same way you treat anyone else. How often do you join a new tech related club and start hitting on the same sex members of that club for example?

                           1. whstl · 1790901769 · focus · HN ↗

                              You and the other guy are still pretending that this ridiculously horrible advice is defensible or justifiable.

                              Volunteering as way to eventually meet woman? It was a nonsensical idea 5 years ago, still is now.

                     2. AndrewDucker · 1790847822 · focus · HN ↗

                        Part of the effect of spending time around other people is that you get to know them, discover which ones aren't creepy, and develop connections with them. And, over the age of 25, the personal connection starts to matter more and more for people than "Are they hot or not?"
                  2. someonebaggy · 1790858440 · focus · HN ↗

                     Nightclubs are also pretty cool though. Especially ones that have chill-out areas a bit away from the music. But I'm biased as I live in Berlin at the moment.

Unofficial Hacker News client; not affiliated with Y Combinator.