Thread

I'm the mom in that viral Giants clip. Let me tell you about my husband

609 points · 241 comments · minimaxir

dividefuel · 1790450358 · focus · HN ↗
I had my first kid a couple years ago and found myself spending a ton of time holding my kid while he slept, since it's the only way he'd reliably sleep. I spent a good amount of that time browsing various parenting and new baby subreddits.
One very common pattern I saw is that the conclusion is always that the dad is useless. Any provided facts are downplayed. Any omitted facts are imagined in the most negative light possible. And to be fair, there really are LOTS of cases where the dad is useless. The issue is more that posts needed to contain a mountain of evidence to return a neutral ground where the dad is no longer seen as a piece of garbage, rather than starting from neutral ground.
I feel for moms, who in addition to giving birth and having their lives upended to raise a baby, are now told that not only are most men garbage, but their man is garbage too. I feel for the dads, who even if they work hard are told how useless they are, and have to combat a stream of negativity fed to their spouse. It's a divisive wedge thrown into a new family, one that social media algorithms are only happy to encourage for engagement.
When I see instances like the one in this topic, I can see how the default narrative has been applied here. The radio announcers surely aren't aware of the storm they're creating, but it suddenly thrusts two average people into the social media spotlight, where people are happy to assume any missing details to fit their narrative. Everyone is going to apply the default story without taking any time to consider the possibility of other context.
EDIT TO ADD: I know there are manosphere spaces that are toxic too. As a man I've had no problem avoiding them, so this is one of my first extended exposures to this type of content, which is why it stuck with me. Probably also because I felt personally unwelcome as a dad.
1. throw0101a · 1790454058 · focus · HN ↗
  > One very common pattern I saw is that the conclusion is always that the dad is useless. Any provided facts are downplayed. Any omitted facts are imagined in the most negative light possible. And to be fair, there really are LOTS of cases where the dad is useless. The issue is more that posts needed to contain a mountain of evidence to return a neutral ground where the dad is no longer seen as a piece of garbage, rather than starting from neutral ground.
  You can find quite a lot of data showing that the burden of managing domestic matters falls primarily on women. I would recommend people check out the book Fair Play which examines the problem and puts forward a system where people are assigned various personal tasks that need to be done (there are 100 in total, not all of which may apply to your life/household):
  > The result is Fair Play: a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently. With four easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a figurative card game you play with your partner, Fair Play helps you prioritize what's important to your family and who should take the lead on every chore from laundry to homework to dinner.
  * <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/44071899-fair-play" rel="nofollow">https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/44071899-fair-play
  * Interview: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6FfxfRMQkw" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6FfxfRMQkw
  1. treis · 1790466301 · focus · HN ↗
    Eh, my marriage fell into this but it was because my ex refused to get a job, didn't think men were equally capable of parenting, and frankly invented a lot of work. It doesn't help that doctors, teachers, nurses, other parents, schools, and so talked to her by default. To be a truly equal parent or a primary parent as a father is swimming against the current.
    throw0101a · 1790520052 · focus · HN ↗
    > Eh, my marriage fell into this but it was because my ex refused to get a job, didn't think men were equally capable of parenting, and frankly invented a lot of work.
    The book discusses expectations and 'standards of performance' and what is reasonable.

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